One of the topics that has been gaining more wide-spread attention lately is loneliness. Studies have found that loneliness can have detrimental effects on our health by impacting our healthy behaviors, cardiovascular system, stress hormones, and sleep patterns. Loneliness can impact our immune system, experience of pain, and ultimately, how long we live. Loneliness is an all too common experience in the U.S. and it is on the rise. The former U.S. Surgeon General Vivek H. Murthy called loneliness an epidemic. A study conducted by The Economist and the Kaiser Family Foundation (KFF) in 2018 found that 22% of Americans "always or often feel lonely, or lack companionship, or else feel left out or isolated." Given how many of us feel lonely and how damaging loneliness can be, I want to offer some strategies to combat loneliness and create deeper connections. 

I recently read this amazing piece in The New Yorker by Pulitzer Price winning author Junot Díaz  titled "The Silence: The Legacy of Childhood Trauma." In this autobiographical article, Díaz described how his early experiences of sexual abuse followed him throughout his life and contributed to the destruction of many meaningful romantic relationships. He reflected on his self-sabotaging behaviors and recognized that deep down, he was afraid of facing his trauma, afraid that he was broken and unlovable, and afraid to hope for something better. I felt both deeply empathetic for his pain and validated by his experiences. The root of self-sabotaging behaviors in romantic relationships is often fear and insecurities as a result of past traumas, difficult family dynamics, and experiences of abandonment, enmeshment, or neglect. The topic of self-sabotage is so broad and complex that I am going to divide it up into several blog posts. In this blog post, I will focus on how to identify self-sabotaging behaviors in ourselves.

"Super ironic that I write and talk about intimacy all day long; it’s something I’ve always dreamed of and never had much luck achieving. After all, it’s hard to have love when you absolutely refuse to show yourself, when you’re locked behind a mask."
- Junot Díaz

I am the type of person who thrives in structure and certainty. I am definitely a Type A personality and I score high on the Myers-Briggs Type Indicator as a J, which means that I like order, planning, and control. My need for structure, stability, perfectionism, and long-term planning has gotten me far in life. I know that these needs came from an unstable, unpredictable, and sometimes chaotic childhood. Although this part of my personality has served me well, it also hurts me on a regular basis.  When I become too rigid or stuck on being "right," I am more stressed and I tend to come across to others as a know-it-all. I have a tendency to lecture and argue - whatever it takes to prove that I am right. This interpersonal pattern then negatively impacts my relationships and leaves me feeling alone.