Couples and Marriage Counseling

Attachment to our partner is a powerful force that can be both destructive and healing. After the relationships with our parents, the bond with our partner is the second most important relationship in our lives. Humans have evolved as social creatures and we have survived and thrived as a species because of our ability to connect and bond with one another. Not very long ago, if a person becomes disconnected from or rejected by the family or community it meant certain death because we could not survive for long by ourselves. Now, when we feel disconnected from our partners, our brain sends panic signals that tell us we are in danger of dying. It is no wonder that when couples have conflicts, it can trigger intense emotions and past traumas as well as lock the couple into a negative pattern that feels out of control. The couple is, in many ways, fighting for their lives.

Couples may become caught in a familiar pattern of conflicts where one partner pursues and the other partner withdraws. At the core of the conflicts are deeper longings and needs to be understood, seen, supported, and loved. Beneath the anger, resentment, and silence, partners are asking each other:

• Are you there for me?
• Can I trust you?
• Can you hold my pain?

Here at Thrive for the People, we use the Emotionally Focused Couples Therapy (EFT) approach to couples therapy. EFT is the most research-backed form of couples therapy. Research shows that EFT is highly effective in reducing stress in the relationship and improving relationship satisfaction. Couples report that after EFT couples therapy they feel emotionally, psychologically, sexually, physically, and intellectually closer to their partners. The results of EFT couples therapy are long-lasting and transformational. Couples who complete the full course of EFT therapy do not tend to relapse back into their negative patterns or need additional treatment. They tend to maintain the progress they made in therapy and continue to improve upon their relationship. 

When you enter into couples therapy with one of our skillful couples counselors, they will first take time to learn about both of you and understand the existing dynamics in your relationship. Your therapist will ask you about your family history, current stressors, recurrent conflicts, past hurts, longings, and needs. You will explore together the negative patterns that you are stuck in. You will unpack your emotions, both the surface emotions that are easy to express and the more vulnerable ones that may be hidden underneath. You will practice new ways to communicate, connect, and bond with each other in your sessions. 

A complete couples therapy process can be expensive. However, the cost of divorce or separation can be more costly for the couple and their family. The emotional and financial cost of separation or divorce can have short-term and long-term consequences, sometimes across generations. If you and your partner believe that there is a chance to save your relationship and improve upon it for good, couples therapy can be worth the financial investment.

There are several circumstances where Emotionally Focused Couples Therapy is not the best approach for a couple. Those include: 

• There is physical, emotional, sexual, or financial abuse in the relationship and one or both partners do not feel safe 
• One or both partners are unsure if they want to stay in the relationship long enough to give couples therapy a real try
• One or both partners are unwilling to attend couples therapy or feel forced to be there 
• One or both partners are not willing or uninterested to make emotional connections 
• There is current infidelity and the partner involved in the affair is unwilling to end the affair
• One or both partners are struggling with substance abuse and are not actively seeking help; substances are a barrier to connection in the relationship

Emotionally focused couples therapy may not be the best fit for every couple but it is the most effective when the couple is willing to dig deep, committed to change, and invested in the process. Couples therapy can be challenging but the reward of a loving relationship is worth the effort. You and your partner can maximize your chance of success by: 

• Attending weekly couples counseling
• Being open and honest with each other and with your therapist 
• Seeking individual therapy if there are individual mental health concerns 
• Giving couples therapy the time, energy, and financial investment it needs to work 
• Prioritizing couples therapy appointments and each other 
• Focusing on changing yourself rather than your partner; taking ownership of your contribution to the relationship
• Keeping an open mind, taking risks, trying new ways of listening, understanding, and behaving with each other in and out of your sessions
• Practicing any homework assignments given 
• Being respectful of each other

You will know you are making progress in couples therapy when:

• You can see the pattern in your relationship from a perspective of empathy and compassion for yourself and your partner
• You can identify when you and your partner are getting into the same patterns and pause and redirect before it escalates
• You can express your emotions and needs with your partner in a way that does not trigger or upset them
• You can listen to your partner’s emotions and needs without feeling blamed or defensive
• You can own your contribution to the dynamic
• You have new insights and understanding of your partner and yourself 
• You can see your partner’s good intentions and trust that they are doing their very best 
• You have forgiven each other for past wounds, mistakes, and betrayals 
• You can have healthy disagreements and work through problems together as a team 
• You feel trust, safety, and security in the relationship
• You  feel a renewed sense of love, admiration, attraction, and appreciation for your partner
• You feel confident and optimistic about your relationship