The past year has ushered in loss and as a society, we are collectively grieving. As a culture, we have a script for honoring big losses such as the death of a loved one. We have rituals in place that allow for the mourning process to be carried forward. This helps us honor our grief and work through it. What the pandemic has really highlighted for me, however, is the question of what do we do with small losses? How do we grieve the ambiguous loss? I think of the unattended high school graduation, the canceled concert, the postponed wedding, the break-up, and the social isolation. Disenfranchised GriefI want to give space and air to these unobserved disappointments that so often get neglected. We are really good at “getting over it” and avoiding our pain. The default for many, is to dismiss and discount their experiences of small loss. It may bring up feelings of guilt or embarrassment because we can always point to someone who has it “much worse off than me.” When we compare our pain to others, we neglect a vital aspect of our personhood. We are collectively enduring disenfranchised grief. This phenomenon was first coined by Kenneth J. Doka, a professor and hospice consultant. Doka puts language to the experience of losses that are not recognized by others (Doka, 1989). Some losses occur, and we have no social ritual of mourning for it as a culture. It goes unacknowledged and as result, our feelings go unheard and invalidated. Much of the missed experiences, relationships, roles, and opportunities of this past year can be categorized as disenfranchised grief. How are we processing these losses?  Unprocessed grief is devastating to our well-being. It’s no surprise that symptoms of anxiety and depression have increased considerably in the United States during the pandemic (Czeisler, et al, 2020). When you experience a loss, it deserves to be grieved. The mourning process allows for you to honor its importance in your life and to work through the emotional impact. I often tell people in my work that “you can either feel it now, or feel it later, you choose.” Either way, the feelings associated with loss will surface sooner or later. It is worth the time to reflect on this past year and identify what losses you have experienced. Suspend all judgement, no matter how insignificant it may seem. Try and acknowledge it. I hope that you can find some tenderness for yourself and honor the small losses. Here are some steps to take that I have found helpful in working through loss. (Adapted from Therese Rando’s 6 R’s of Mourning.) Acknowledge Your LossTake the time to reflect on what has been most difficult for you during this pandemic. Don’t compare your experience to others. This is a practice that is personal and just for you. Notice what you have missed, what has felt disappointing, what have you been fearful, sad, or angry about? By naming the loss, you will be externalizing the experience and giving it a home outside of your body.  Share It with SomeoneAfter identifying your unique experiences of loss, find someone who will be a compassionate listener. It might even be helpful to find people who have experienced a similar loss. Our grief deserves a witness. When we can bravely talk about it with others, we will feel less alone. Create a RitualA lot of disenfranchised grief is not given the traditional recognition in our culture such as memorials, obituaries, periods of mourning, etc. Find a way to memorialize your losses. It was something important to you and deserves to be honored and remembered. Get creative and find some sort of action to accompany your grief. Some examples might be to light a candle, plant a tree, hold a special ceremony, bury an object, spend time journaling, drawing or painting. Adjust to the New LifeOnce you have processed your grief and loss, you now have the task of returning to life. How can you invest back into your life? What are the activities that bring you joy? As you adjust to the new normal, be intentional about finding purpose and meaning. Loss is a natural part of the human experience. With each loss you endure, an opportunity arises for new life and new experiences. As the poet, Mary Oliver once asked, “What is it you plan to do with your one wild and precious life?” Grief Counseling in SeattleAre you struggling with unprocessed grief and loss? Are you looking for support to help heal from past or current loss? You are not alone, and help is available. We are a team of therapists located in the Ballard neighborhood of Seattle. We work with individuals and couples in the Seattle area on navigating through grief and loss. You can schedule a free 15-minute phone consultation or contact us for more information.
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When we think of trauma, we often think of extreme experiences of life or death. War, combat, sexual assault, physical abuse are the examples that come easily to mind. This definition of trauma is reflected in the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (DSM), which is the book that mental health providers refer to when identifying and diagnosing Posttraumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD). The first criteria for the diagnosis of PTSD is direct or indirect exposure to "death, threatened death, actual or threatened serious injury, or actual or threatened sexual violence."
In this post, I want to expand the definition of trauma to include experiences of childhood emotional neglect, which are often invisible, difficult to identify and describe, and overlooked. Many of us may have grown up with these experiences and yet never know anything was wrong in our childhood or that these experiences continue to negatively impact our lives now. We may never call these experiences "traumatic" and therefore never work toward healing.
Child Emotional Neglect
Childhood emotional neglect as trauma is not yet a widely acknowledged topic in the world of psychology or in pop culture. In fact, when I did a search on the existing research articles and books on this topic, there are only a handful that have ever been written on emotional neglect separate from physical, emotional, or sexual abuse. As mentioned in a previous blog post, Dr. Jonice Webb has published some of the most helpful blog posts and books on this topic. Her work is so important because it is rare. I believe it is important to label childhood emotional neglect as trauma because I see how it has impacted myself and my clients in similar ways to other experiences of trauma. Like other experiences of trauma, emotional neglect is hard for a child to make sense of and it is beyond their capacity to cope with it.
How Can This Type of Childhood Trauma Occur?
When parents or caregivers were not present with their child and able tune into their world, the child may experience emotions of loneliness, anger, sadness, fear, and guilt, which can become frozen in their bodies. When a child did not feel safe or loved in their family, even if their physical needs were provided for, they may experience symptoms similar to those of PTSD: have difficulties remembering details about their childhood, have negative views of themselves and the world, blame themselves for their difficulties, feel distant and detached from others, feel persistent negative emotions (i.e. depression), and have difficulties experiencing positive emotions. These difficulties can follow them into adulthood.
Consider Reading More:
How Is Childhood Emotional Neglect Different?
Unlike other experiences of acute trauma, childhood emotional neglect is much more chronic and subtle. Emotional neglect is the family culture and the very air that the child breathes. It is difficult to identify what you missed if you never knew that a different life was possible. I believe that at a deep level of a child's mind, childhood emotional neglect feels just as life-threatening as other forms of trauma such as physical, emotional, or sexual abuse.
Does This Sound Like You?
As a child, when you looked into your parent's eyes and did not see recognition, acceptance, or love, it may have felt as if your survival was at stake. You may have done what ever you could to win your parent's attention, affection, and love back. Sometimes that meant being the "golden child" and sometimes that meant being the "black sheep." And when all else failed, you may have shut down your need for love and affection altogether. You may have told yourself that you need to be fiercely independent and that dependency is weakness. This may lead to struggles in adulthood that I outlined in a previous blog post about childhood emotional neglect.
PTSD Symptoms are Similar
These struggles also align with some of the symptoms of PTSD:
Counseling in the Ballard Neighborhood of Seattle, WA
Are you ready to work with a therapist to address your experiences of childhood emotional neglect and heal from this past trauma? I am a trained counseling psychologist and our clinicians help individuals and couples in Seattle area with a wide range of mental health concerns. You can schedule a free 15-minute phone consultation or contact us for more information.
I have recently been immersed in the topic of childhood emotional neglect (CEN). Unlike the experiences of physical, emotional or sexual abuse, emotional neglect is harder to identify and acknowledge because it is about what didn't happen to you rather than what did happen to you. If you were abused, you were also emotionally neglected. If you were not abused, you could still have been emotionally neglected. Emotional neglect occurs when parents and caregivers were consistently not present, available, understanding, or supportive when you needed them. This can occur in small and large ways throughout your childhood. For example, a parent may be physically present but mentally and emotionally absent because they are stressed and overwhelmed. Or a parent may be unable to attend to and manage their own emotions and therefore unable to acknowledge and help you understand your emotions. As a result, children who were emotionally neglected may, as adults, struggle with understanding their own emotions and emotions of others, connecting with other people on a deep and intimate level, feeling chronically lonely and empty, difficulties with self-discipline and/or over work, difficulties caring for self and/and others, and struggling with depression and anxiety as well as low self-esteem and self-worth. In general, there is a sense that life is lived in grey scale rather than full-colored, that other people seems to get something more from life and relationships that you do not, and you question whether there is something innately wrong with you.  There is absolutely nothing wrong with you. It wasn't your fault. It may not have been your parents' fault either. And yet at the same time, you hold the power to change. The two books that are particularly helpful on this topic are by Dr. Jonice Webb: Running on Empty: Overcome Your Childhood Emotional Neglect and Running on Empty No More: Transform Your Relationships With Your Partner, Your Parents and Your Children. Trauma Counseling in the Ballard Neighborhood of Seattle, WAIf this blog post resonates with you, you are not alone. You can begin to heal from childhood trauma and neglect in a supportive and controlled environment. We offer a variety of counseling services at our Ballard counseling clinic. Each of our counselors takes a holistic approach to your mental health using techniques from various evidence-based counseling approaches to help you create lasting change and thrive with challenges. Contact us to learn more and schedule your free consultation.
I recently read this amazing piece in The New Yorker by Pulitzer Prize-winning author Junot Díaz. The article was "The Silence: The Legacy of Childhood Trauma." In this article, Díaz described how his early experiences of sexual abuse followed him throughout his life. He explained how they contributed to the destruction of many meaningful romantic relationships. He reflected on and owned up to his self-sabotaging behaviors as well as recognized that he was afraid of facing his trauma. Not only was he afraid that he had become broken and unlovable, but afraid to hope for something better. I felt both empathetic for his pain and validated by his naming of these experiences. "Super ironic that I write and talk about intimacy all day long; it’s something I’ve always dreamed of and never had much luck achieving. After all, it’s hard to have love when you absolutely refuse to show yourself, when you’re locked behind a mask." - Junot Díaz Understanding Self-Sabotaging BehaviorsThe root of self-sabotaging relationships is often fear and insecurities resulting from past traumas. These traumas can include difficult family dynamics where you experienced abuse, abandonment, enmeshment, over-involvement, or neglect. The topic of self-sabotage is so broad and complex that I am going to divide it up into several blog posts. In this blog post, I will focus on how to identify when you or your partner are self-sabotaging the relationship. One way to identify self-sabotaging behaviors is that they are misaligned with your values, characters, and beliefs. For example, after fights with my partner, I often wondered, "Where did all that anger come from?" I am not generally an angry person nor do I want to be one. These behaviors can leave you filled with regrets because of the shame and guilt for acting in ways that do not reflect the best of you. Remember that this self-sabotaging pattern is not the whole of who you are. You might be using self-sabotaging behaviors to help avoid more pain and protect you from future disappointments. This gripping, suffocating, and intangible fear of failure, pain, abandonment, inadequacy makes so much sense when we see it through the lens of trauma. Self-sabotaging relationships can be an effective coping strategy. If you never get too close in a relationship, you will not be hurt. Yet, the outcome of self-sabotaging behaviors is often more painful when you use these behaviors to keep yourself away from the very person that you want to be close to. Self-Sabotaging Behaviors in Relationships Can Include:
Díaz self-sabotaged his relationships by having affairs with other people.
Also, I want to point out that self-sabotaging behaviors can vary on a spectrum. They may be behaviors ranging from we-all-do-this-sometime to abusive. If your behaviors are abusive, it's time to seek help from a mental health professional. Sometimes the reasons behind the behaviors are deep in our subconscious. So deep, we may not be aware that we are self-sabotaging relationships. Thus, one of the first steps in addressing self-sabotaging behaviors is identifying them. Am I Self-Sabotaging Relationships? First ask yourself, "Is my reaction to my partner out of proportion to the current situation?"In the book "Getting the Love You Want," Dr. Harville Hendrix talked about the differences between our "old brain" and "new brain." Our "old brain" consists of the limbic system and the brain stem. It regulates our basic bodily functions and the fight/flight/freeze mechanisms. The old brain is always on the alert for safety and danger. The important note about the old brain is that it works without an awareness of time. This is why when past wounds become triggered, it feels like the wound is happening right now. In contrast, the "new brain" (the cerebral cortex) can:
If your reaction to your partner is out of proportion to the situation, that's a good sign that some of your past wounds may be triggered. Thus, you may be acting out of your old brain without realizing it. For example, you might be very jealous of your partner spending time with friends and family. These reactions are to past trauma rather than the present moment. These reactions come from deeper fears. If unacknowledged and unaddressed, they can lead to further self-sabotaging relationships. Then ask yourself, "Is my behavior bringing me closer to my partner or pushing them away in the long term?"When we become triggered or reactive in our relationship, we can feel, act, and think ways that push our partner further away. When we become triggered, it is easier to express emotions like anger and frustration. It becomes much harder to express vulnerable and tender emotions such as fear, sadness, and loneliness. For example, my partner came home later than expected one evening from having dinner with a friend who was visiting town. I was seething with anger and gave him the silent treatment. Instead of expressing vulnerable fears of abandonment or sadness, I went straight to the protective emotion of anger. The anger only pushed him further away, which was the opposite of what I wanted. Sometimes self-sabotaging behaviors can bring our partner closer in the short term. Yet, it is still harmful to the relationship in the long term. Similarly, avoiding conflict may create harmony in the relationship in the short term. But, unresolved issues might resurface later and create more damage to the relationship. Finally ask yourself, "Does my behavior align with my values?"Often, our self-sabotaging behaviors become misaligned with our values, characters, and beliefs. For example, after fights with my partner, I often wondered, "Where did all that anger come from?" I am not generally an angry person nor do I want to be one. These behaviors can leave us with regret because of the shame and guilt for acting in ways that aren't ourselves. The shame and guilt may be a good sign that you might be self-sabotaging relationships. Yet, try not to get stuck in the muck of shame and guilt. Remember that this self-sabotaging part of you is only that, a part of you. It is not the whole of who you are.  We all have our reasons for why we engage in self-sabotaging relationships. So, it may be helpful in the healing process to understand your "why." To do so, you can read some great books on family dynamics and trauma. You can check our Recommended Reading page for some suggestions. Also, talk to your partner, friends, and family to get feedback on your behaviors. Or, seek help from a therapist to uncover past wounds that may be driving the behaviors. Begin Trauma Treatment in Our Ballard Office or Via Online TherapyYou do not have to go through the pain of self-sabotaging relationships. You can overcome past trauma with the help of a caring therapist at our Ballard, NW-based therapy practice. If what you've read here resonates and you live in the Seattle area, we encourage you to contact us today. We can schedule a free 15-minute phone consult and begin exploring how psychotherapy can help you on your journey toward healing. To start your therapy journey, follow these simple steps.
Other Services Offered at Thrive For the PeopleTrauma treatment is not the only service we offer at Thrive For The People. We understand you are unique. So, you might not have only one issue you are struggling with that fits neatly under trauma treatment. Thus, we offer a variety of counseling services at our Ballard counseling clinic. Each of our counselors takes a holistic approach to your mental health using techniques from various evidence-based counseling approaches to help you create lasting change and thrive with challenges.
The recent tidal wave of individuals, mostly women, speaking up about their sexual harassment and sexual assault experiences is the culminations of years, decades, centuries of pent up fury and silence. The #MeToo movement is growing stronger and louder every day, led by courageous individuals in the public sphere and in my personal circles on social media. I have been wanting to write a blog post about this topic for awhile; it has taken me some time to digest the growing accounts of sexual violence and make sense of my own reactions.
This week I have been thinking about forgiveness. I was inspired after listening to the TED Radio Hour episode on forgiveness. I was particularly moved by the TED Talk by Thordis Elva and Tom Stranger titled "Our Story of Rape and Reconciliation." Thordis and Tom talked about their shared experience as the perpetrator and survivor of rape. Thordis was 16 years old when her then boyfriend, Tom, raped her. He was an exchange student from Australia and he left for home shortly after the incident without recognizing what he had done. After 9 years, Thordis decided that she wanted to confront Tom and to find forgiveness. She said so powerfully in this talk, "But deep down I realized that this was my way out of my suffering. Because regardless of whether or not he deserved my forgiveness, I deserved peace. My era of shame was over."
April is Sexual Assault Awareness Month. In honor of this month, I spent some time exploring the impacts of trauma on our bodies. This is a topic near and dear to my heart as a trauma survivor and a therapist who works with trauma survivors. I love this definition of trauma by Dr. Gabor Maté in episode 79 of the Therapy Chat podcast:
Trauma is not what happens externally. So trauma is not the sexual abuse. Trauma is not the being hit with the belt. Trauma is not watching somebody close to you be murdered. That's not what the trauma is. Trauma is what happens inside of you as the result of that event. And what happens inside you, is that you experience all kinds of emotions, such as rage, such as terror, such as fear, such as grief, and that then changes you. They change you because in order to deal with those difficult emotions, which are responses to life events, we have to be able to feel those emotions and express them. When these events occur in an environment where a child has no capacity to express herself, to be heard, to be seen, validated, and soothed, then those emotions become frozen in the body and the brain, basically. So the trauma is the freezing of emotions. 
I struggle with delay of gratification. Delay of gratification is the ability to hold out for a bigger reward or pleasure when there is something tempting right in front of you. For example, I have a hard time saying "no" to a fun trip with friends when I should be saving money toward bigger life goals such as getting out of student loan debt or buying a house. Recently, I heard a wonderful podcast by On the Media titled "Busted: America's Poverty Myths #2 Who Deserves to be Poor?" that helped explain why I am struggling so much with delay of gratification and self control. This podcast episode is part of a 5 part series on the American poverty myths. The whole series is really worth a listen. But on this blog post, I am going to focus on the study on delay of gratification that is mentioned in the beginning of this podcast episode. Delay of Gratification ResearchThe "marshmallow study" is a classic test of delay of gratification for children. The children are given one marshmallow and told by the researchers, "You can eat this now or if you wait for 15 minutes, I will give you a second marshmallow when I come back." It is excruciatingly hard for children to wait 15 minutes with a tasty treat right in front of them. The ability to wait, based on this simple test, has been shown to be correlated with better outcomes and success later in life. That is one powerful marshmallow!  In a new study, the researchers from University of Rochester showed that previous experiences can greatly impact the ability to delay gratification. These researchers gave the children a box of crappy crayons or stickers and then promised them a new set of art supplies if they waited. For half of the children, the researcher came back with new supplies as promised; for the other half, the researchers returned and apologized, saying that they do not have the new supplies after all. Then the children were given the marshmallow test. The children who received the promised new art supplies were able to wait much longer for the second marshmallow compared to the children who did not receive the promised art supplies. Makes sense right? When life promises you shinny new boxes of crayons but then gives you crappy ones, it's going to be so much harder to delay gratification next time and trust that life will keep its promises. When life promises you shinny new boxes of crayons but then gives you crappy ones, it's going to be so much harder to delay gratification next time and trust that life will keep its promises. Self-Compassion and Self-Care for Long Term Goal AchievementAs I reflect on my past, I realized that my experiences growing up with financial hardships, immigrating to the U.S., and through grad school all added to my experiences of "crappy crayons." It's no wonder that at this time in my life, when I finally have some financial, professional, and personal freedom, I am having a hard time waiting for the rewards down the road. Now that I know this is crappy-crayon-phenomenon exists, I can practice self-compassion for the times when I chose an instant gratification over the long term goals. I can also be more intentional about giving myself "new crayons" in the forms of small rewards (e.g., a chocolate bar, a bath, a cup of tea) so that I do not feel so depleted and deprived.  Online Counseling in Washington StateFollowing through on goals and delaying gratification is a learned skill. With the help and support of a licensed counselor, you can practice self-compassion, care for yourself more often, and strengthen your ability to meet your long term goals. If you are exhausted, lost, or looking for a change, consider online therapy at Thrive for the People. Contact us to learn more about our services, and see if our compassionate therapists are a good fit for your needs.
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